Unraveling Anxious Attachment

Attachment styles are like emotional blueprints we carry from childhood, silently shaping our relationships. 

As a relationship therapist for 20 years, I've dedicated thousands of hours in understanding how these deep-rooted patterns influence our connections with others.

Imagine constantly feeling like you're walking on eggshells in relationships, perpetually worried about being abandoned or not being "enough." That's the core of an anxious attachment style. It's an emotional survival strategy developed in childhood, often stemming from unpredictable parenting. Our way of loving is formed in our very early experiences. You may think “this is just the way I love.”

Have you ever taken a moment to consider, for you love is mixed up with pain or love means taking care of the other person, even to the point of depletion?

Many of my clients have shared with me their connection to “if I love fully, they will leave me.” This connects to their life experience with their parents, perhaps a dear friend and now currently a romantic partner.

Those with anxious attachment live with a deep fear of being abandoned. They often seek reassurance, along with an intense desire for closeness in the relationship.

When I’ve worked with clients who express avoidant attachment they emotionally distance themselves, fear intimacy, and struggle to connect deeply. Those who express avoidant attachment struggle with closeness due to early experiences in their childhood and often felt neglected by their caregivers. Experience taught them to self-soothe rather than risk depending on anyone else for support.

Those who express secure attachment in their relationships are individuals who feel comfortable with emotional intimacy, can trust partners, and maintain balanced relationships often because of their secure relationship with a primary caregiver, and they’re able to bring that acquired sense of security into their adult relationships.

On the other end of the spectrum those with a disorganized attachment are often those who simultaneously crave and fear intimacy, often resulting from traumatic childhood experiences.

Disorganized attachment happens when a child's survival circuits are screaming “get away from the source of terror, you are in danger” but the child's attachment circuits are crying out “go toward your attachment figure for soothing”  

When the same person is simultaneously activating the brain's “go away” and “go toward” messages – this is fear without solution.  This is why future relationships can feel so disorganized and disconnected due to these early experiences.

The best predictor of your attachment style is not necessarily what happened in childhood, but much more how you can make sense of those childhood experiences and eventually heal from them.

Anxious attachment can create a challenging romantic landscape.  It might look like:

• Seeking constant validation

• Feeling overwhelming anxiety about potential rejection

• Struggling with setting healthy boundaries

• Overanalyzing text messages

• Being overly dependent on partners

Loving in a healthy, more emotionally available way is possible for those with anxious attachment by taking meaningful steps to improve their relationship dynamics. 

Here are a few suggestions to get started, identifying root causes of attachment patterns, take some time to consider childhood experiences and how that shapes you today. Explore emotional regulation techniques so that when you feel triggered in your relationships, you have inner tools that can support you.

Experiencing a relationship with securely attached partners can create a healing environment for those with anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles. 

Simply being in a relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style offers a model of consistent, balanced love.

 

Over time, their reliability and emotional availability can help reshape the other partner's patterns, fostering a greater sense of trust and stability in the relationship.

Healing anxious attachment isn’t about becoming perfect or never feeling uncertainty again. It’s about learning to trust yourself and build relationships where you feel safe, seen, and valued. Healthy love has the power to heal, offering a space where your fears can be soothed and your emotional needs can be met.

For those with anxious attachment, a secure partner can be transformative.

Look for someone who:

• Provides consistent emotional support

• Communicates openly

• Respects boundaries

• Offers reassurance without enabling dependency

Can You Truly Heal?

While complete "healing" is a nuanced concept, significant transformation is absolutely possible. By understanding your attachment style, practicing self-compassion, and developing emotional skills, you can create more secure, fulfilling relationships.

Remember, your attachment style is not a life sentence.

It is a starting point for growth and deeper self-understanding.

You can book a free 30 minute consultation with me here.