Why I Couldn't Stop Thinking About Elizabeth Gilbert (& What That Says About Me)

I watched the harsh reviews of Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoir roll in and my first thought was not about the critics, it was about Elizabeth Gilbert herself. 

What does it feel like to expose your heart like that and then watch the internet decide who you are?

That question sat with me as I pressed play on ‘All the Way to the River’, read by Elizabeth where I could hear the memories that brought up tears and reflective laughs at the stories we tell ourselves in the moments of crisis and intensity.

The critics were loud but my curiosity was louder. Not about whether the book was good or bad, but about how Elizabeth Gilbert was holding herself through the backlash.

That is where my attention lives, which, I realize, reveals quite a bit about me. When my first instinct is to wonder about her. The truth this book exposes for me is that my entire life has been oriented toward awareness of the other.

This pattern of focusing on others’ inner worlds rather than my own responses or needs is exactly what Gilbert’s book invited me to examine with a fresh perspective.

As a therapist for the past 20 years, my personal relationships can be challenging to navigate when I’m acutely aware of why my partner, family member, or friend is struggling or why they can’t give me what I need in the relationship.

Understanding the psychological underpinnings of their anger, addiction, or depression and seeing how these experiences pull them off track from authentic connection, doesn’t make the hurt any less real as I’m living this shared life right beside them.

It’s that same reflex when my attention automatically moves toward understanding them, while my own hurt or need becomes an afterthought.

To be honest, this professional insight can sometimes complicate my emotional responses, leaving me caught between empathy for their struggles and my own in the moment need to be loved and supported.

This is the lens I’ve looked through my entire life What are they feeling?  What do they need?  What’s driving their behavior?

It’s made me a great therapist and it’s also meant that my own emotional truth often comes second, something I notice only after I’ve already mapped everyone else’s inner landscape.

Which brings me back to those reviews and what they might really be about. I was disappointed to read in the comments of these judge-y reviews that many shared they weren’t going to bother reading All the Way to the River because of all the bad press.

My best guess about why there has been such harshness pointed at this book is because the content of this book shines a light on the parts of us we don’t like to admit to in ourselves.

There were many opportunities to face these parts in the pages Gilbert poured her heart into, openly shared her vulnerabilities with the reader and explored the kind of things most of us put effort into keeping hidden.

I’ve been immersed in the Family Constellation approach for 20 years, which attunes me to inherited patterns and the ways we unconsciously carry family wounds. Reading about the love and histories of Elizabeth and Raaya, I couldn’t help but notice these dynamics at play, both in their experiences and in my response to it.

The discomfort this book creates can be a real gift, if the reader has the willingness to stay with it. For me, reading this book offered a deeper understanding for the addicts I’ve loved and invested myself into along with all the costs associated with that.

Maybe most importantly, it prompted deep self reflection for the times I’d placed my sense of inner security in the hands of another person.

Whenever we can notice how the experiences of another bring up judgements or even when someone triggers us, it’s less about their behavior and more about our own history being touched. The body recognizes a familiar pattern from our earliest bonds or our previous hurts and asks for our attention.

This self-awareness becomes particularly crucial in our intimate relationships, where we’re most vulnerable and our deepest patterns are most likely to surface.

This practice of pausing to look inward, to inquire ‘What in me is responding?’ rather than ‘What’s wrong with them?’ is transformative not just in our personal lives, but in how we move through the world.

In a world that’s feeling especially polarized and full of criticism and judgements, being able to begin with a compassionate look inward changes the whole conversation.

Gilbert’s memoir reminded me that my compassionate gaze needs to include myself. For those of us who have spent our lives looking outward first, keeping that gaze turned inward — even for a moment — might be the work that matters most and that reminder is one of the gifts I received from reading ‘All the Way to the River’

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Highly Recommend.