Has Couples Therapy Stirred Up More Conflict Than Connection?

Clients often find out about my approach after trying couples therapy, sometimes for months or even years, and come away  feeling like something crucial was missing.

Here's Why …. Until you understand & work with the family imprints each person is carrying,  couples therapy ends up focusing on the issues in the room without addressing the patterns that created them.

Most couples therapy focuses on the ISSUES in the relationship, with intimacy, communication or how conflict is handled do present their challenges but they're not the ROOT of the issues.

These surface problems are symptoms of something much deeper, the family imprints both partners are unconsciously bringing into the relationship.

When we focus only on the presenting issues without understanding what they're REALLY connected to, we end up:

• Putting band-aids on bullet wounds

• Arguing about the same things started by different triggers

• Making temporary shifts that don't last

• Actually INFLAMING the deeper wounds

Then you leave the session activated and raw, expected to navigate all this stirred-up intensity on your own until your next appointment?

Couples Therapy Can Stirs Up the Pain & Miss the Pattern We all bring our early experiences into our relationships, the good, the bad, and the invisible. You could think about it like hidden forces that actually run your relationship, those silent expectations you didn't know you had, the family loyalties you're still honoring (even when they hurt you), and those habitual behaviors that chip away at intimacy one interaction at a time.

Over 70% of couples' recurring fights come from their family imprint. So if we dive straight into couples work without first understanding these imprints, several things happen

1. We personalize what's actually systemic

Your partner's withdrawal isn't personal rejection, it's how his family handled overwhelm. Your reactivity isn't "too much", it may just be how your grandmother and her mother before her learned to take up space in a world that wanted them small.

Often in couples therapy focused on the issues, these patterns get blamed on the individuals. He's avoidant. She's demanding. He's emotionally unavailable. She's controlling.

In my 20 years of working with couples in distress, one truth keeps showing up, it's the patterns, not the person. What looks like your partner's "issues" are actually inherited responses. What feels like your "flaws" are adaptations you developed to survive your particular family. The problem isn't who you are, or even what you continually argue about, it's what you're unconsciously repeating. These aren't personality problems. They're family imprints.

2. We try to solve problems at the wrong level

It's like trying to fix a computer by cleaning the screen when the problem is in the operating system.

You can learn all the communication techniques in the world, but if you're still running the emotional software you downloaded from your family at age five? It won't create the improvements you need to continue in the relationship.

3. The Message Inside His Hesitation

I've had many men tell me that being invited to therapy feels like being called into a meeting where his partner finally gets to say everything she's been holding back, and the therapist is there as witness.

Most therapy leans heavily on feminine ways of expression, it's about feelings, emotions, the language of the internal world. There are times when this approach can activate a deeply embedded survival strategy in some men.

His father may have learned that emotional expression led to rejection. His grandfather may have survived by shutting down. What looks like stubbornness may actually be a multi-generational instruction: Stay armored. Stay in control. This is how we survive.

When we understand his guardedness or resistance as protective wisdom, we stop trying to break through it. We start working with it

The average couple waits seven years before reaching out to make an appointment. So by the time you're sitting in that therapy office, that's a lot of accumulated damage to sort through, and it can feel absolutely overwhelming from the first session.

When we start by exploring family imprints FIRST, everything shifts

Suddenly it makes sense why

• She needs constant reassurance (her mom was emotionally unreliable)

• He shuts down during conflict (his parents' fights were terrifying)

• She manages everything (likely she had to grow up young)

• He can't say no (his worth was tied to being helpful)

You see the invisible loyalties

We often unconsciously stay loyal to our family patterns, even when they hurt us. Understanding this allows couples to consciously choose NEW patterns instead of unconsciously repeating old ones.

When you address the root cause

When you understand that your conflict pattern is actually two different ways to try & stay safe in the ways they learned decades ago, you can start to work with the ACTUAL problem.

Instead of we fight too much its and understanding that my system learned that raising my voice means I'll be heard, and your system learned that raised voices mean danger.

You create compassion

When both partners understand they're not fighting each other—they're navigating the collision of two family imprints—the blame dissolves. The shame lifts. And suddenly there's space for real change.

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