Have you ever felt like you're always the one taking care of others?
Do you find yourself giving more than you receive in relationships?
If so, you might be surprised to learn that these patterns often stem from our childhood experiences.
The Roots of Over-Giving
As children, we're like sponges, absorbing the love and attention around us. But what happens when that nurturing environment is lacking? Surprisingly, it often leads to hyper-independence and a tendency to over-give in relationships.
Picture this: a little girl, sensing her mother's depression or withdrawal, naturally steps in to fill the void. She acts like the parent in the relationship, taking on responsibilities beyond her years. While this behavior stems from love, it can create an imbalance that follows us into adulthood.
As adults, we might find ourselves:
Giving out of fear of abandonment
Secretly giving what we hope to receive
Struggling to trust others or let them do things their way
This pattern of over-giving isn't just about generosity. It's often a coping mechanism, a way to ensure people stay in our lives.
We might even choose careers in caregiving, subconsciously trying to provide what we longed for as children.
Breaking this cycle starts with acknowledging our past and the child within us who still needs that love and attention. To feel that your needs are prioritized over your parents, your spouse, your colleagues, you get the picture - over everyone else.
Do you relate to any of these?
Are you always the giver in relationships?
Do you often feel responsible for others' emotions or well-being, even when it's not your job or role to do so?
Getting honest with yourself, do you find it hard to trust, rely on or receive help from others? Do you need to be emotionally resilient or self-sufficient ?
Try on receiving. Learn to accept help and kindness from others. Even ask for it !
Do you feel easily overwhelmed? So you end up just doing what you need to do to side step conflict or what feels uncomfortable.
Do you find it difficult to say no? Filled with feelings of guilt, so it’s just easier to say yes?
Do you say yes and then make an excuse to back out at the last minute?
Do you really, really hate to let other people down?
How often do your thoughts circulate about what other people think?
Explore your own vulnerability. It's okay to have needs and express them.
The healthiest relationships have true balance at the heart of their relationships and practically this means both giving and receiving. It's about following the natural flow of energy within the relationships.
As we journey towards healthier relationships remember that boundaries are not walls, but vital guardians of our authentic selves. They protect us, as well as the very relationships we cherish.
That "no" you're hesitant to say? It might be the very thing that prevents resentment from silently eroding your connection. Your boundary is that crucial line where you can still be genuinely you – where you're neither overly accommodating or defensive.
Consider that the edge of your boundary is the point where you can no longer be yourself.
Embrace the courage to be honest with yourself in each moment. Recognize when you're thinking “I don't like what is happening but I'm not saying anything”
Or ”I start behaving in ways where I can no longer be myself "– being overly nice, agreeing when I really don't.
This awareness is your first step towards change. By setting clear, compassionate boundaries, you're not just preserving your authentic self; you're creating space for truly meaningful, balanced relationships.
Looking for some support with setting healthy boundaries? Join me for the monthly group Constellation Connections on the 2nd Thursday of each month from 6-8 pm EST
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