The One Relationship Secret You've Been Overlooking

In increasing numbers, people are seeking out therapy for the challenges in their relationships and the concept of boundaries has emerged as a crucial element for fostering healthy, lasting connections.

The truth is your relationship today is shaped by what you saw and experienced in your family.

In your childhood, if you took care of a sad mom or dad, your instinct will be to check in with others before noticing what you feel within yourself.

It's hardwired into us, what we notice in others, the emotional cues, the distress or disappointment. Often we can sense their needs before we know our own.

This can be why your partner's needs seem to overshadow your own.

Or why setting boundaries in a romantic relationship can feel like the drastic choice of choosing between keeping the relationship alive or ending up alone.

Boundaries are the invisible markers between “me” and “we.” 

Healthy boundaries create a structure where both partners can express their needs without losing themselves in the process. In essence, boundaries serve as the scaffolding of trust, allowing partners to navigate their individuality while remaining connected.

Why Are Healthy Boundaries Important in Relationships?

Relationships thrive in a space of tension between autonomy and connection. Without boundaries, one person might become overly compliant, suppressing their own needs to avoid conflict or the guilt connecting to letting our partner down.

Boundaries protect us from giving ourselves away for connection, where the sense of self is sacrificed for the relationship. 

They are essential in maintaining a balance where both individuals can nurture their own desires, while simultaneously co-creating a shared experience. 

Signs You Need to Set Boundaries in Your Relationship

• Do you feel if it makes my partner happy, then I should just do it 

• Do you feel like you're constantly bottling up your emotions or sacrificing your needs to keep the peace? 

• Do you focus on making sure everyone else has what they need before you even think about yourself?

• Do your partner’s needs or preferences overshadow your own, so much so that you don’t really know what you want anymore?

• Feel exhausted or drained, yet cannot express their need for space.

• Often avoid confrontation to maintain harmony, sacrificing yourself.

How to Set Healthy Boundaries

Think about fences, lines in the sand, or bottom lines ….healthy boundaries are similar. They're internal markers that signal when something feels off or you’ve reached the edge of your boundary, that point where you can no longer be yourself.

Can you remember a time when you started responding in ways that no longer feel like you, being overly nice, agreeing to do something that you really don't want to do, nodding along but inside you can’t wait for the conversation to end?

The key is being honest with yourself at any given moment. Noticing if your inside voice is saying something like “I don't like what is happening but I'm also not saying anything”

When you include the childhood that shaped you, it can create an internal pressure and boundaries can become easily blurred. This is why it is an essential practice to listen to your body and find the difference between what yes and no feels like for you. 

A suggested practice that I share with my clients is to reflect on past experiences where you felt uncomfortable or resentful. These are clear indicators where you need boundaries.

Your ability to express healthy boundaries is rooted in your capacity to tune into yourself and courageously communicate your needs and limits, even when it feels uncomfortable or challenges ingrained patterns from your past.

Examples of Healthy Boundaries

• “I need some alone time after a long day to recharge, and I love spending time with you after that.”

• “I want us to share responsibilities around the house, without having to remind you, so we both feel relaxed and comfortable in the home we share.”

• "When we disagree, I need some time to process my thoughts and feelings before discussing the issue. Can we agree to revisit conversations once I feel ready?

Examples of Unhealthy Boundaries

• “I set a boundary with my mother-in-law, I don’t speak to her or visit my in-laws anymore because she is so critical”

This actually isn’t a boundary but points more to an estrangement. The goal of expressing your boundary is to support you in staying true to yourself, even in challenging situations. By learning to express healthy boundaries, you develop the skills to navigate difficult relationships without compromising your own well-being or resorting to complete avoidance.

• "I should have full access to your social media accounts and emails because we're in a relationship. If you have nothing to hide, you shouldn't mind sharing your passwords with me."

This illuminates lack of trust in the relationship, often connected to insecurity or hurt from past relationships. A request like this blurs the line between some level of personal space and what is shared within a relationship. It sets an unrealistic connection that complete transparency equates to love or commitment.

When you start setting boundaries, you may encounter resistance from your partner or others in your life. This is to be expected as you are changing the dynamics of your relationship.  Its important to know that this doesn't mean your boundaries are wrong. 

You might say something like, 'I understand this is a change, but this boundary is important for my well-being and actually ends up protecting our relationship from resentments building up.”

Boundaries are a reflection of the ebb and flow that exists in any relationship. They are a way to safeguard your sense of self while allowing you to bring more of who you truly are into your loving connections. 

Boundaries are the sacred agreements you make with yourself, honoring your needs while remaining open to the intricate dance of a committed relationship.

Join me for The Tools You Need to Stop People-Pleasing 6 week series beginning Nov 8th