Five-year-old Sofia sat at the top of the playground slide, her little legs dangling over the edge. "Mom! Mom!" she called out, her voice filled with excitement. "Watch me! I'm going down!"
But her mother, engrossed in conversation with another parent, barely glanced up.
Sofia's heart sank a little, but she slid down anyway, hoping that maybe this time, her mom would notice how fast she went or how she landed on her feet.
As she climbed back up for another go, she thought, "If I go even faster, maybe Mom will really see me this time."
Years passed, and Sofia grew up. Now, as an adult, she found herself sitting at her desk, staring at her phone. She had just received a major promotion at work, a project she had poured her heart and soul into for months. Her finger hovered over her mom's number.
"Maybe this time," Sofia thought, "Mom will really understand how important this is to me." She could almost hear her younger self's voice echoing in her head: "Watch me! See me!"
As the phone rang, Sofia felt that familiar mix of hope and apprehension. She wanted so badly for her mother to truly grasp the significance of this moment, to feel scene and acknowledged.
Before her Mom picked up the phone call a part of her knew, just as it did on that playground years ago, that her mother might not have the capacity to fully see or understand her accomplishments.
Growing up, our mothers’ capacity to help us to feel loved, valued and supported was the original template for loving ourselves as adults.
A mother’s mirroring and consistent loving support are the essential ingredients for creating our sense of self and building confidence.
If our mothers were emotionally immature or dysfunctional in some way, as kids we naturally came to the false conclusion, that sounds something like:
“If mommy can’t love me or see me, I have to work harder to get her to see me clearly. I will eventually get it right and she will finally see me, and feel the love I need.”
In adulthood this false conclusion may still be operating in the background to an impossible dream of our mother one day seeing us when this may be truly impossible.
The truth is that we can’t “make” someone see us clearly.
Accepting that your mother may lack the capacity to truly see or understand you—not for lack of wanting, but simply because she can't—is a painful truth to grieve, yet facing it courageously can ultimately lead to profound personal freedom and a deeper capacity for joy in your life.
Sofia took a deep breath, realizing that whether her mother fully appreciated her achievements or not, it didn't diminish their value. Her worth wasn't determined by her mother's ability to see it.
As she heard her mother's voice on the other end of the line, Sofia began to share her news, not with the desperate hope for validation she once felt, but with a growing sense of self- acceptance.
This moment wasn't just about sharing news; it was another step in Sofia's ongoing journey of understanding, accepting, and loving herself - without needing anyone else to see it too.
Do you find yourself struggling to break free from the need for your mom's validation? Let’s have a conversation about how to transform your relationship with yourself and your mother. I offer a complimentary session to explore my proven methods for healing and growth. Book our conversation here.
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